Pondering the Consequences of Honesty and Dishonesty
An expectant mom gently strokes her expanding belly and fearfully reflects: “Could my developing son or daughter become the next Bernie Madoff cheat? manipulator? narcissist? I love my child deeply, but didn’t Mr. Madoff’s mother love him just as much? Will love alone develop character in my child, or do honesty and integrity require something more?”
Is there anything this mom-to-be can initiate now to ensure that her child acts honestly and decently throughout elementary school, middle school, high school, and beyond? You bet there is! First, she can start mulling over the concept of honesty—at this moment, before her baby is born. How does an honest child affect the level of harmony in the home? the neighborhood? the schoolyard? And, conversely, how does a dishonest child affect these same settings? Is honesty going to be treated as a serious character issue in her home? Or is a dishonest act going to be overlooked because her child is too cute and too young to confront? Is honesty a concept she should start to consider presently, or is it something she can postpone to an ambiguous, far-way time?
When one of my sons was in fifth grade, he literally stole a cookie from the teacher’s cookie jar. While he was hailed as a hero by his brutish buddies, I had a different reaction. It would have been easy for me to overlook his act as bravado. After all, I knew he was just a young boy testing his limits. But it would not have been in his best interest for me to let it pass.
Dishonest children are not trusted by their parents—or anyone else, for that matter. I explained to my son that the theft of the cookie meant that I could no longer trust him to be honest and respectful of other people’s belongings. Awareness registered in his mind. When he tells this story, he identifies that feeling as guilt. But he always is careful to add, “Any guilt I might have felt was not forced upon me by means of a guilt trip; my parents had already shown me in advance that there are many benefits to reap by being a trustworthy person.”
That day I explained to my son that he could gradually earn back my trust (and his skateboard) by showing me evidence of good deeds. As a young boy, he wanted all of the extras he could get. So he quickly learned to regulate his behavior in order to secure my trust.
Pondering the consequences of honesty and dishonesty is an important first step for parents to take. Making honesty a family priority comes next. Moms and dads can establish honesty as a priority by modeling it for their children—every moment of every day. That means they must return extra change when it is mistakenly dropped into their open palms. They must inform the grocery clerk when they are accidently undercharged. They must truthfully tally points during the family’s weekly board game. In short, parents must lead honorable lives.
Our anxious mom-to-be need not worry about raising a swindler or a fraud. With a little bit of forethought and lots of deeds, she can raise the next Bill Gates philanthropist, instead. But in order to raise an honest person, she must be an honest person. She must recognize honesty and trustworthiness as vital components of good character. And she must teach her children consistently, until honesty becomes so natural to them that they no longer feel the need to test the boundaries of decency.
Nesta Aharoni,
My Goodness: My Kids, Cultivating Decency in a Dangerous World
Winner of Mom’s Choice Award
Winner of Living Now Award
www.MyGoodnessMyKids.com